Books on a shelf

My room was redone and the only reason I bring that up is I didn’t realize how many books I had until it was. I got a new bookshelf that goes to the ceiling and at first I thought I’d have way to much room but my books fit perfectly. Books say a lot about people. I have books on government, foreign and domestic classics, a beginner’s bible from years ago, mystery novels, nonfiction, books on acting, novels on sexuality and sociology, and children’s books. I just counted up to a hundred and still had half of a shelf left to count. Books say an awful lot about people. Where they wish they were. What they view as beautiful and interesting. For me, my books show most of my layers.
Where did all the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was fighting my mother for making me read thirty minutes everyday. As a ten year old, 30 minutes is practically an eternity. Now I would do a lot to have those same thirty minutes. I suppose I still have the time and it just gets wasted away with technology. Ah, another post from some angsty teen on technology. rather annoying, I know, but I’m right.
I found my photo ID from last year at MHS. I was such a different person then. More controlled, inverted, unhappy. However, I was also much more “successful”. “Successful” I had good grades; I also had friends who thought I was going to lose it. Everyone truly thought that’d I’d lose it.
I don’t even know what the point of that was.

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A Simple Saturday

I live in the middle of this time woodsy area. You can look across the large pond and see the street but there is the huge abyss between me and the street. All around me is just green. Tree after tree almost making me forget what is down the hill and across the pond.
I could never actually live deep in a forest because I’d get far to bored, but the 100yds between us and the road is rather nice.
I’ve been asked frequently by other juniors if I’m ready to leave MHS. Some days I want nothing more than to escape to a less rigid world. To find a place, I can be myself without feeling the need to apologize. Then I just glance at the world around me. It sounds super corny, but without Chesterfield I don’t think I’d be as strong as I am. This town has beaten me up more than a few times but every time I’ve been able to walk away in see something in myself I never knew was there.
So a short letter (that no doubt will be added on to, to the people that hurt me):
Dear 72.
There are always moments that we look back and wish could have avoided but all of you have not only helped me realize how strong I am, but how to beat the weaknesses within me.

Ok that was the first sentence. I’ll write that letter someday. Or maybe I won’t. Who knows.

I rather like the world.

Lazy Teen Post

I’m allergic to school. It’s an extremely severe medical condition. Not. 

Seriously though, I’m a teen and any teacher who honestly thinks I used my days off to do homework well no. And tell me as a child did those very teachers use their days off as children to do homework? probably not. 

I slept for an extremely long period of time and it felt great. No regrets whatsoever. 

Regret #1: I wish I would have done a little more homework than I actually did for the sole reason of my fear in returning to school tomorrow. I’m so screwed. 

Wish me luck.

License To Discriminate

To clarify, license to discriminate allows organizations to refuse services on the basis of sexuality and gender orientation. For example, a LGBTQ+ teen could be denied services in crisis. LGBTQ+ couples could be denied rights to adoptive and foster care opportunities. LBT women can be denied services they request when reporting partner violence. The list goes on and on…
I don’t know how I am suppose to feel. I know that this certainly isn’t it. I try so hard to be the mediator of interests. I try my best to represent and fight for the LGBTQ+ community while respecting the views of others. But I’m at a crossroads, I refuse to stand by and say nothing as Trump holds my freedom in his hands. Some may say that is a gross exaggeration or that I am worrying for nothing. It is true that he very well may choose to hold back signing the executive order to allow people to refuse services on the basis of religious beliefs. It is also true that this is no exaggeration.
If these “rights” are applied, LGBT+ people will become second class citizens. We all deserve to practice however we choose to or not to practice, but those rights stop when they begin affecting the lives of others.
It’s so hard waking up every morning with the knowledge that a large percentage of the country you have been taught to love, hates you. I am told that I shouldn’t “shove my sexuality on others”. Do you know what that means? It means that after I ask you about your prom date you have no interest in hearing anything about mine. It means that you don’t want to see pictures of the kid I’ll have some day. It means you don’t care about the fact my vice president thinks there’s something wrong with me because that’s just one issue and there will always be people like that. I try so hard not to care. The worst part is I still love you. I don’t hate anyone for hating me. It simply makes me hate myself.
This entire world is a contradiction, I have to respect you but not care what you think. I have to listen to you but not fight against your words. I have to be proud of myself but never share anything about my life.

I’d like to note that I understand this doesn’t apply to everyone. It also isn’t directed at anyone specifically. I just needed to rant.

I’m honestly just tired.

Tomorrow and Forever #1

I guess I feel a little crappy at the moment. Ok, a lot. I just don’t know where I went. I feel like every time I look at myself, I care a little less about school. I think I’ve learned a lot this year. I genuinely do enjoy learning when it’s on my terms. Unfortunately (for me, the majority of earth is probably thanking their lucky stars), this is not the world according to Emma. I genuinely think I’m going to do very well in life. I’m very passionate and determined. I’m often told when I freak out that I’m no longer addicted to school as I use to be that it is because I put so much into social justice and musical theater. 

My passion doesn’t need to be one of the “main” “core” subjects to be valid. However, I have to still learn to put work into those. They are the foundation for everything. 

There just isn’t enough time. I got in a fight with my parents this morning and politely excused myself and proceeded to drive to my elementary school and cry. 

Then I realized I can’t spend too much time feeling sorry for myself. I have to move on. 

When I grow up I want to perform. But after that, I want to change the world’s perspective of equality. Even if it is just one millimeter. That’s enough for a small suburban girl.

Maybe I’ll even move it an inch. 

Car challenge

So I’m currently in the car trying to get of this crap parking lot, I’m gonna finish this by the time I leave.

We had a big win yesterday in getting the trans bathroom policy change. However it wasn’t without compromise, I suppose that all things should have at least a little bit of compromise, but it’s still disappointing.

It hit me today how racist the community around me is. The fact that after all of this time there is still racism just reminds me how far the LGBT+ community has to go. If they are still stuggling after all of this time working through blood and sweat for equality, how can I even expect to be alive when the LGBT+ community reaches true equality. 

Failed the challenge.

I’m not even sure true quality exists. 

The day I truly admitted to myself that I was bisexual was a good moment but I also asked myself why I had to go screw my life up. I mean I’m so blessed with everything around me and then I had to go be gay. That’s another thing, why don’t people think I chose this? Why would I choose to make people upset with my very being? 

Also, I’m not oversharing or shoving it in someone’s face if I talk about an LGBT+ activist or icon. Everyone talks about their role models or things that make they excited in their life. Wearing rainbows is not being too “gay”. If I have cried hysterically based on the question of whether I will ever be loved because I’m gay then it’s ok to move past that and be proud. I’m proud to be who I am.

 People don’t understand how little words hurt. I can deal with them from people I’m not close to, but with the most important people in my life…it feels like taking knives. Most of the time they don’t sink in, or they just graze the skin but when people call LGBT+ slurs and talk about beating them up. It gets scary. 

Why do people think that LGBT+ people kissing is disgusting? News flash: it’s not. Why does the idea of someone going to the bathroom scare people? I mean I promise no one who is that scared is important enough for us to stalk you. You just aren’t that important. No one is. Truth is every life on this earth is smaller than a speck but a speck can still make ripples. Your life is defined not by how you life but how others remember you and are moved by you.

We are all wonderful people. Can’t we just celebrate our differences?

Positive Things

I’m trying to force myself to stay in the moment more so. I think as humans we constantly go to think of what is going to happen next, and I happen to really admire the part of the population that enjoys the moment as it is.

Anyway, going to Six Flags was rather fun. I usually force myself to stay in crappy situations and suffer through them so I was really proud of myself for just going along with my Dad’s suggestion with a good attitude. I use to be terrified of those rides which makes no sense because they are super safe but getting over that and just enjoying the ride was a huge moment for me. Yes, that may sound like a trivial irrational thing but there was a time in my life that I literally couldn’t go outside without feeling the need to run back to my mother and ask if some stupid plant I touched would hurt me. A time when no one could literally say anything without me thinking it secretly represented so sort of animosity for me. So walking away from something with a smile that made me want to cry as child or that I literally visualized myself flying from the car on was pretty cool.

We went to Six Flags since it was near my sister’s acro meet. The meet went well, it’s just really stressful since we are all always so nervous. Plus, one of her teammates dropped out two weeks before regionals so that’s been a ride. She qualified for Nationals though and I couldn’t be happier for her.

Studying Others: Part A

Although I wear my heart on my sleeve, some of you may not know I was seriously bullied as a kid. All verbal but it sucked. My point in saying that isn’t to make you go “poor Emma, what a inspiration” or something like that; it’s just to express I’ve never been in the “in-crowd”. I’ve always been “lucky” when I get invited to a party rather than being on the first part of the list. I never stop questioning what it would be like to live as one of the “popular girls” does.
I’ve experimented with playing the popular girl and frankly I don’t like it. Yes, it is nice to have people throwing themselves at me because it made me feel wanted, but in order to keep the power I had to turn into what they wanted me to be or what they desired in the first place. I don’t want to be what someone else wants.
Before I continue I’d like to say this does not apply to all extremely popular people, but in my experience I have never seen anyone stay in power without shoving someone else down. I don’t think they make fun of or leave these people because they are hateful. Their actions are strictly out of self-preservation. When you push someone down, others retreat in the fear the same will happen to them and therefore refrain from “messing with them”.
Anyway, in my limited experiences, it is a lot agreeing to things that retrospect you never would have done. Most of all though, I think I’ve learned that even when you look like a perfect doll, you have moments of utter vulnerability. All some people have is their reputation and as soon as it begins to fall, they crumble, and it’s so heartbreaking to watch. Every human being is more than a fa├žade, but I also know that not every person will ever share theirs with the world.
Genuinely in high school everyone makes mistakes they regret and it’s just a question of whether it was a mistake or a change in that person.
Mine will remain a mistake. I know that.

Anxiety

I give up. This is the third blog I have written tonight because I am too afraid to post anything about myself. I keep giving into “what ifs” and warnings of leaving my tiny realm of absolute certainty. Truthfully, the only time I feel like I am living is when I abandon my fears with such rigor that it takes me a moment to recognize myself.
I have spent the majority of my life being the adorable girl with anxiety because that is so much easier than facing the truth and actually accepting the fact I have a problem. What does the “adorable girl” look like? She’s kind and funny and worries to the point it is cute because “everyone always wants to give her a hug” but they are also constantly worried she is going to get an “ulcer”. Yes, everyone likes her but she is so fragile that everyone handles her like glass.
It’s not even that though; I can easily say that I need to work on my anxiety in order to get rid of the elephant in the room, but acknowledging it and changing your behavior are two completely different things. The first is filled with certainty. The second, well you can try methods for years and still never find the right one. Then what? What are you suppose to do? Try again?
No one wants to try when their biggest flaw is self-deprecation because you can try until you are blue in the face and the monster in your head still finds flaws. So you quit, deteriorate, fade away, but you have people who care about you. People who will do anything to brighten your day even if you just want to cry. They bring you up, dust you off, and teach you how to take care of yourself, but no matter what they do if you don’t try, it doesn’t matter.
I remember so many people who care more about me than I can say, trying to snap me out of it. Expecting me to wake up differently one day if they shook me hard enough. Then they took their hearts to their ears and began to understand that my wiring was different.
I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to live without my crutch for a day. I think people try their very best to understand anxiety but it is often overlooked as a serious issue. People don’t realize that before I got control of it, I’d get myself worked up to the point it looked like I wasn’t breathing. That I’d cry every night. That as one of the skinniest girls in my class, I constantly criticized my body. That I went through a six month period where I wanted to do something awful to myself every single day because the girl looking back at me in the mirror was never going to amount to anything. None of this is to say that I deserve so kind of special treatment or pat on the back, it’s merely me saying that even though I seem perfect I have serious shit. I was born in a way that makes me who I am today and is the fuel for my greatest strengths but also drove me to the darkest point in my life.
When I decided to turn my life around and genuinely fight anxiety, it was like turning on a light I didn’t know was there. I never understood what I was missing until I felt the glimpses of happiness when I wasn’t worrying. My point in all of this isn’t to say that I triumphed because although you could argue I have but I like to view it as my never-ending work in progress. I just hope people understand how daunting anxiety can be. More importantly though I hope that everyone with anxiety knows that you can overcome it.
Also, I’d like to point out that overcome does not mean get rid of. It just means you figure out how to kill those mean thoughts telling you that you aren’t good enough.
Everyday you fight, you get a little stronger.

What Would You Do

What Would You Do is this ABC TV show I never heard of until today but it is literally one of my favorite things now. Sometimes I forget how to be ok with things in this world and this show reminded me.

The main idea of the show is basically to do a bunch of social experiments. They cover topics like interracial marriage, gay marriage, fat shaming, gay conversion, abuse, and human trafficking. In the show the people being discriminated against/assaulted/insulted are always actors as well as the people doing it to them. Everyone has no clue that they are even in a social experiment. The remainder of this post will just be about those episodes and why they hit me hard.

The first one is the only negative one I am sharing. The scenario was about a waiter refusing to serve gay people due to his religious beliefs and being insanely rude to them. One of the real customers (not an actor), told the waiter that he too thought it was disgusting, but that the waiter was out of line. As soon as the cameramen came in, he was totally “supports” gay marriage.

I’ll give the guy credit for saying that what the waiter was doing was wrong. Honestly, I was disheartened when he changed his opinion just to make himself look good.

The second situation was relatively the same situation but in a store instead of a restaurant and the person who defended the lesbian couple(actors) really impressed me. She never claimed that she agreed with what they were doing in fact she said that she personally doesn’t live that way, but that she thought having loving parents was more important than anything else. She was appalled by the idea of rejecting someone’s business because they were gay or lesbian. She thought it was outright discrimination. Although as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community I find it sad that she doesn’t agree with my lifestyle, I also really respect her honesty, tact, and respect she had for the LGBTQIA+ community.

It was a reminder that we can all respect each other and also have different opinions. There have been points in my past that I allow myself to distance myself from people because they don’t agree with the LGBTQIA+ community, but watching that reminded me that there are other solutions than fighting and hate.

Humans fear uncertainty and the unknown. When someone openly questions your values, it is very common practice to criticize them not because you don’t like them but because humans are scared of what it means for their opinions if the other person is correct. Therefore, they do their best to disenfranchise the other person.

Lastly, it was just very heart-warming to watch people protect this teen(actor) who was being preyed upon by an older man(actor) trying to abduct her. I think in high school it is easy to lose faith in humanity because you are no longer protected from anything. You see people get rewarded for cheating and not get caught doing drugs. You read the articles on war and hate between different groups of people. It can get tiring, so to see a video of older women, college students, a father and a daughter all protecting a girl they never met at different points in the day and directly confronting the man, it reminds you that all those bad things are just one part of the world and that there are so many wonderful people on this planet.